Northern California Road Trip

I experienced many first-time things this summer.

For one, I drove to Northern California by myself.

I took off on one hot Wednesday in August. Just when I reached old highway 5 road, no car was moving. I heard it from the radio that there was a bush fire on highway 5 north. The firemen were working hard to put it off. The authority was taking no chances so the highway was shut off. People were walking in and out the car and along the highway. It was like a scene of the end of the earth in the sci-fi movie.

I was grilled on the road in the heat of the mid-day sun for almost two hours!





Back on the road again, I crossed the Golden gate bridge in the fog. This symbol of San Francisco was a mystical marvel!



After resting at my friends G and V's lake-front house in bay area for a day, I drove north to Mendocino County. I passed by Mill Calley, Santa Rosa and Ukiah. There are many vineyards along the road. I stopped by the McFadden tasting room in Hopland and sampled their Riesling. It was good. I bought a bottle.






My special mission for this road trip was to attend a horseback riding camp for three days in Potter Valley. Upon my arrival at the ranch, a lady in her fifties, was hopping towards me. She had long coarse blonde hair, looking like a horse. Her clothes were very dirty.

She told me she was limping because of a recent surgery in the right ankles. She also told me, to my surprise, I was the ONLY camper!

"Other people just dropped out in the last minute. I thought about calling you. But thinking of your having to drive a ten-hour trip here, I just want you to have a good time. Since you are the only camper, you can stay with me inside the house. It is good. you can have your own bathroom." She said, almost apologetically.

I looked around her house. It was covered with plenty spider webs. The living room was very dark and messy, and extremely smelly. Seriously, it reminded me of the house of the killer in "The Silence of Lamb"...

I wondered whether I should thank her for her good intention or not. I thought I was in a state of shock and forgot what to say anyway.





I stayed in the guest room, with my own horse-themed bathroom. It did not look too bad. It even had a window view of horses grazing on green pasture. It was a pity that it was covered with spider webs and dead insects everywhere. And it really stunk! I controlled my breathing so hard that for a moment I thought I would soon pass out.

Then I realized, it was the moment to practice "The Power of Now": I would make the best out of this experience; I would get to know her...

I was willing to take a deep breath, literally...











I started my first English riding lesson that evening. A lady from Germany also joined me in the lesson. She was an advanced rider though. So I was walking the horse while she was jumping and cantering. After the lesson, I also joined my instructor H in the chores of barn work, like feeding the animals and turning on the irrigation system for the pasture. It was a large ranch for her to work alone: a total of 75 acres of land, forty horses, seven dogs and three cats....

In the evening, H cooked me dinner. She was a vegetarian. There was veggie pasta only. Fortunately, she also gave me some cheese cake and opened a bottle of wine. I had a good talk with her over a glass of wine. Getting to know a person was always an interesting process. She was passionate for animals. She even told me her marriage ended because her husband thought that she loved the animals more than him.



We started off the next day with intensive private riding lessons in the morning and in the late afternoon. H is British and she grew up with the Pony Club school. It is a systematic graded program for instruction of horseback riding and horse-care.

English horseback riding is a different discipline than the Western school. For example, you use both hands to control the reins, you use a different saddle; and you have to use your seat and your legs a whole lot more.

H's special training is in dressage. It is sort of like horse-ballet. In those events, the riders and horses perform many expected "tricks" together to be judged.

I was so glad that I had forty hours of cross-training in body conditioning and horsemanshp classes prior to these lessons. She made me do lots of "gymnastics" on the horseback. She said that the first goal for English rider was to develope an independent seat, and an immediate goal for her is to get me to trot (a two-beat gait of the horse, sort of like bouncing) at the end of the week. I literally was working my butt off...

In the afternoon, I read up on the Pony Club principles. She has a lot of books on these subjects. That made my own "horseback riding for dummies" book really looked childish.

I spent that evening reading and talking with H. I interviewed her like a journalist. She was happy to share her knowledge of horsemanship, Pony Club, and dressage events with me, and answered many questions I had from reading her books.

She also told me many poignant stories of rescued horses.





The horse closest to her heart is Morgan. Some drug company raised pregnant horses and used their urine for medicine. There were then a lot of unwanted ponies to be disposed of. Morgan was one of them. Somehow he got rescued and has been raised and trained by H. They have been through so many dressage events together.

Sometimes she would see the potential of some of the beaten up rescued horses. She shared with me the joy of believing in a horse and training it to live up to its potential.

"Make sure you don't take those medicine when you hit menopause!" she commanded.

She has a good nature. I told her I really appreciated her rescue work with animals. And I was fascinated by her many horse stories.



On the last day of the camp I sneaked out to the main steet for breakfast. Potter Valley was really tranquil and beautiful. However, there were only one small post office, one fire station, one church, and one historical house. There was also only one restaurant, which was closed! Craving for meat after two days, I drove thirty minutes away and finally found an Indian casino to devour a hearty steak and eggs breakfast.



My last day of lesson was satisfying. The lady from Germany came back and brought her own horse. I had much practices on how to approach and lead the horses from the pasture to the arena; I became efficient in grooming them; and I finally learned how to trot!

I said farewell to H. I was able to sincerely thank her as well.


P.S.
I stopped by many beautiful scenic places on the way home. Lake Mendocino and two reservoirs on highway 5. I would like to share these pictures with you.

Thank you so much for reading my blog, my friends. You are what keep me writing!

One Step at a Time

In my conditioning for dance class, our instructor is teaching us how to assess our gaits. Gait is the pattern of movement of our limbs. I found out there are so many potential problems related to my own gait. I have never been conscious of my own walking all my life. No wonder I am clumsy! For example, I lean more on my right side; I lock my knees; there is tension in my mid-back, etc.

Coincidentally, my horseback riding instructor has told me that my "seat" needed to be balanced. Otherwise, my horse will not be able to walk straight. The horses are such intelligent and sensitive animals that they can even sense our involuntary muscle. They will be the extension of our postures and movements.
.
These lessons remind me of the concepts in Eckhart Tolle's book "The Power of Now".
Tolle pointed us to the truth of "all we have is now" and it is enlightening to be aware of the present moment.

So in order to develope healthy spine and gestures, I am learning to take "one step at a time" literally, now!

***

I also experience this profound concept of engaging in the present moment as a musician. Music is the art of sound manifested through time. So whether I am practicing, performing or teaching, it is crucial for me to be present and be conscious of the moment.

Once a performance is over, we have left with the memory of it as an impression. Our art may seem elusive, but our ability to be a better musician rewards us at each present moment. We gain more awareness and insights, and a richer experience to draw upon, at each new opportunity.

During one interivew, the actress Jane Fonda was asked what was the most fulfiling moment in her acting career. She answered that it was when there was a especially demanding scene. All the spotlight was on her. Everyone was wondering whether she had the chops to pull it off...

And she nailed it. That was the moment for her.

Perhaps the true essence of great artists are not only what they have done, but also their consciousness of great work to be created, at the moment of now.

Lisbeth Salander

It is not so often that I encounter fictional characters who are so captivating that I feel like they really exist. Last time it happened in 1991 when I came across Milan Kundera's "Unbearable Lightness of Being": Tomas, Tereza and Sabina. I lived with them ever since.

Now I just found Lisbeth Salander from Swedish writer Stieg Larsson's trilogy. I watched the movie adaptation of the novel "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" on DVD and was so intrigued by the movie: its plots and social commentaries, but especially the heroine Lisbeth Salander, a genius computer hacker with a troubled past. She is a social misfit, so damaged but will never be crushed. I went to the movie theater to watch the sequel "The Girl Who Played with Fire" the next day and bought the third book "The Girl who Kicked the Hornets' Nest" afterwards.

Larsson is a writer of incedible talent with a conscience for social justice. He left us too soon at age fifty in 2004. These are the books that people all over the world are now reading. Their popularity is a phenomena in Europe. These series of books are mystery drama, somewhat reminds me of "The Silence of Lamb", but I find Lisbeth Salander so much more complexed and fascinating. Swedish actress Noomi Rapace has transformed herself into the character. Her performance is a chilling perfection.

I am yet to find out more about Lisbeth and what will happen to her from the novel. I think I will live with her for a while, studying about her, as if I really know her.

Ten things I learned with Samsam

My friend May and her son Samsam visited me from Texas this week. Samsam is a sweet two-year old toddler. These are the lessons I learned from his routine and what his mother taught him:
1. Smile and greet people
2. Take naps
3. Eat snacks
4. Say thank you
5. Say sorry
6. Time to play
7. "No, not now"
8. If you do something really bad, "Police will put you in jail"
9. There is never too much of a good thing you love, like "Thomas the Train"
10. Hold hands

The Road Less Traveled-Laurel Canyon Trail

I have read about Laurel Canyon Trail in the Laguna Wilderness Park many times. It is considered as one of the best hikes in Orange County by my guide book. After days of lethargy since summer started, I decided to pack my backpack and went on the road today.

These are what I packed:
1. water bottle
2. snack
3. medicine
4. cell phone
5. GPS
6. guide book with maps
7. journal and a pen
8. camera

I wear a hat, sunglasses, shirt, tank top, shorts and sneakers, and put on suntan lotion. It was a great feeling to begin with: life in a backpack, light and simple.



For safety reason, all hikers or bikers have to sign in at the park office before using the trail. The trail head is right off the 133 road. Soon when I walk deeper into the canyon, I am in another world. The trail becomes steep and narrow. Although it is quite hot in the early afternoon, there are plenty of oak trees and shades. The hike is rather comfortable.



There are supposed to be streams crossing and a fifty-feet water fall, but unfortunately there is no water. I can only imagine how soothing it would be with the sound of running water.

Along the trail, the signs posted by the Wilderness Park invite you to dial your cell phone for commentary. I did that. It makes the hike educational and more interesting.



At the top of the trail, there is open view of the hills and canyons. The psalmist's words come to mind: "I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from Jehovah who created heaven and earth."





Along the trail, I have only passed by a few bikers and hikers. Most of the time, I am alone in the wilderness, with only the sound of nature. Although I do enjoy solitude and nature, I cannot say fear does not come to my mind. What if I get lost? What if...



And when I see this big rock, my imagination runs wild. Do you see what I see?





I completed the hike in two and a half hour. Ironically, being sweaty, dirty and exhausted can feel so good.

But the best part is: I finally confronted my "mountain lion", face to face!

Horsemanship-mutual respect

As I was reading on horsemanship tonight, I found an article that is really profound. It surprisingly shed much light for me to understand human relationship as well.

The writer reflected on how many horse owners were trying too hard to earn the affection of their equine companions by bribing them with "treats". I am quoting a part of the article here:

"The bottom line is a good relationship with your horse has very little to do with spoiling them. In fact it has little to do with love either, at least not the way we as humans equate love.

What a good relationship is based on is mutual respect. If you love your horse, then respect your horse enough to do what is in his best interest. This is far more important than fulfilling your own fantasy of a human like bond that horses neither understand or appreciate.

If you want to show your horse how much you care, make sure he has a clean water bucket, groom him today even if he is only going to get dirty again, exercise him, put an apple with his dinner if it pleases you.

At the end of the day what your horse truly comprehends and appreciates is his dependence upon you. He can depend on the fact that he will be safe, warm, fed and treated kindly by the partner at his side."

Horsemanship-Bareback Riding

I got to the ranch early this morning. After I gave Sugar a good grooming, we put the bridle on her. However, it looked like she was going to bite. Carol then whispered something gentle to her, petted her neck and Sugar immediately calmed down.

Carol told me there must be some traumatic incidents in Sugar's past regarding the bridle. She must have been hurt by someone. I feel sorry for Sugar. Horses just bear the painful moment and get on with it, until that memory comes back to haunt them. And it always does...

**
These are what I learned in my lesson today:

1. Always make sure the horse will be comfortable, not just us. Take care not to hurt her.

2. Don't get into the way of a horse-this one is especially for me!

3. Proper mounting and dismounting are physical skills. You have to lift your weight, jump high, and be very flexible. Not like me, crawling on and sliding off her back the first time!

4. Keep the proper equitation
Your alignment is right in the middle, sitting square and deep and balanced on the horse back. Now doing the right thing feels wrong after a lifetime of bad habits. Carol gave me some exercises to "confuse" the brain, so I don't hold on to the set habits and be able to build new posture and muscle memory.

5. Feel the natural rhythm of the movement of the horse
There was no saddle between Sugar and me today. I rode on her bareback only with a pad and a Navarro. Carol said that this will help me feel her muscle movement. After all, our goal eventually is to feel the movement of two bodies completely in sync.

Yorba Regional Park

I have a date with my mountain bike on Friday evenings. This week we decided to explore Yorba Regional Park.

This park is one-mile long with 175 acres of land. Although it is located alongside the highway, inside the park it is still quite tranquil. There are four lakes with connecting streams and plenty of trails for equestrian, cyclist and pedestrian use.

There was overcast and very few visitors were in the park. I cruised along Santa Ana river. It was quite chilly. I could hear and feel the wind blowing on my face. I wondered why it took me so long to get a bike. It has given me so much companionship and enjoyment.

Conditioning for Dance

One of the curriculum for my summer school is "Conditioning for Dance", This class is offered to both dancers and non-dancers. It combines techniques and skills from dance, exercise and various body therapy programs such as pilates, yoga, Alexander, etc, to enhance flexibility, strength, postural alignment, balance, coordination, circulation, endurance, and movement memory.

We have to study the human anatomy. There are so many technical terms to memorize. I felt like I am reading a medical textbook.

My instructor Kathryn admires the human body. She said that the more she studies human anatomy, the more she is in awe with how splendidly we are created.

We had an assessment of our postures and our skeletal allignment in class the other day. Now I know what was out of alignment in my normal posture. Perhaps that is why I am so clumsy. I am on a mission to fight this annoying condition.

I can always spot the dancers in our class. Their bodies are lean and toned and they move confidently. Looking at them gives me motivation to improve my own.

Horsemanship-Grooming and Bonding

I met Tigger at the ranch.

Tigger looked like a white horse. But Carol told me he was actually born a gray horse. He got white eyelashes but gray eyelids. This was how you could tell he was actually a gray horse. But over time his hair grew lighter and lighter. If you looked carefully, there were actualy still gray spots on the body.

Carol showed me the tools-the scrubs, the brushes, the combs, etc, and the safe and efficient procedures to groom him.

"They are enormous creatures. You just don't want to get hurt when they accidentally bump into you, hoofing or kicking"

I asked her if they liked to get groomed, She said yes. If they made some special sound, their mouth chewing and their eyes half closed, they were enjoying it.

Carol said that she disagreed with those who thought grooming a horse had nothing to do with horseback riding. "It is bonding time. It is important to bond with your horse."

I learned that when a horse is in the herd, they will groom each other. I also learned that horses like companionship. If they do not have other horses, they will take human, or even dogs or chickens as companions. They just don't like to be alone.

I scrubed his hair and combed his mane, like giving him a massage I petted him and talked to him. I pampered him.

What a difference it made after grooming. Tigger looked refreshed. His hair was radiant, shiny, and smooth. I walked this beautiful and content horse back to his stable.

I have never taken care of an animal in my life, except that I have kept and fed a fish before. But I don't think that counts. It was strangely satisfying to have served Tigger. I enjoyed my bonding time with him.

Target Episode

There was no very vanilla soy milk, no eggs and no root beer left in the refrigerator tonight. I looked at the clock: 9:15pm. Super Target in Brea was going to close at 10pm. I hopped in my car and drove off.

***
10:00pm at Target: An employee saw someone still wandering from aisle to aisle.
"Sorry, Madame, the store is already closed," He said politely.
"I know Sir... but I cannot leave your store...I cannot drive my car...I cannot find my car key...." I looked at him, mumbling.

I have discovered that my car key was gone when I got to my car after checkout.
I had no idea how and where I lost it. I checked with the cashiers and customer service lost and found immediately but there was no sign of it.

The young man joined me to retrace my steps in the different departments I have visited tonight. Unfortunately I have wandered off more than grocery needs.

Soon he was paging the manager and the manager was paging the entire staff in the superstore:
"A customer is looking for a black square leather key ring with a car key..."
Our search team grew bigger and bigger...

***
Finally a security guard running towards me, handed me the keys, as if he was giving a child her lollipop.
"Where did you find it?" I was exhilarated.
"Someone had found it at a corner earlier and gave it to me." He said, panting.

There was a very good ending to the rescue effort: A very grateful last customer was able to leave the store, and very happy employees that could go home.

Horsemanship-School in Session

Today is the first day of school. I arrived at the ranch in the morning, carrying my text book, Horseback Riding for Dummies by Audrey Pavia. I wore a shirt and jeans, without any jewelry. I found a pair of old rugged riding boots in the saddle room that fitted me. I love the simplicity of the uniform.

My instructor Carol led me to the stable where the school horses were. She said that it was important to make your presence intentional to the horses. Like me, they are easily frightened and they would panic. You don't want to startle them.

My school horse was called Sugar. What a sweet name literally! I only know how to greet her with a whisper and a smile. Carol then taught me some simple horse language to talk to her.

"Everyone will eventually come up with their own language," Carol said.

First she gave me an introduction on the mind of the horse and the equine society. She taught me how to enter the gate and put a halter on a horse. I practiced several times with Sugar. Even though it seemed like a simple task, there were a lot of practical wisdom and safety precautions of the procedure.

She showed me how to lead the horse out of the stable and walk into the arena.

"You have to walk side by side with her, keeping her with your pace. Although you have your space, and the horse has hers, she cannot invade yours, but you can cross hers," she said.

In the arena, Carol showed me ways to guide a horse on the ground, communicating with the lead rope. It wasn't exactly easy for me.

"You know, I am clumsy," I admitted to my instructor.

"Well, you will learn new skills. You will learn multitasking. You will learn to relax and be alert. You have to be in charge. You will have to become her leader," she affirmed me.

I think I sort of understand. However it does take a wise and strong leader to do it in a firm and loving way, like a parent with a child, or a teacher with a student.

There are a lot of subtlety and nuances to the techniques of telling the horse what is on your mind. You tell her what to do, not what not to do. You communicate through your body language and with your tack.

"There is a zen-like quality to the relationship of human with horses. A horse can sense your aura. If you are relaxed, she will feel it. If you are nervous, she will be too," Carol reminded me.

I walked Sugar back to her stable. I took out the halter on Sugar and closed the gate between us. I looked back at Sugar. She was resting in the stable, munching the hay.

"We are actually predators to the horses. They can easily kill us. What they need to do is just to kick us. The fact that they are willing to be with us; let us put a halter on them and ride on their backs; and learn to follow our commands; is truely amazing," Carol said thoughtfully.

I looked at Sugar again. She was such a magnificient and beautiful creature. And she had just taken a walk with me, submitting to my will.

It is indeed amazing. I am in awe and feel a deep gratitude.

Horsemanship-The Horse Whisperer

In preparation of riding school, I have been reading and researching on horsemanship. It has been an enlightening process. It has shed new lights for me to understand humanity as well.

Gentle horsemanship involves communicating in the language of horses and using their logic, rather than expecting them to use ours. It teaches us not to blame the horses as they look for the easy way out. We should show them there is a place to go and take them through. The horse and human need to learn how to liberate themselves so that they can explore the harmony between them.

Being social creatures, both horse and human need close contact with others; they need love, support, understanding, recognition and stimulation to become whole and balanced. When you are learning how to get with your horse, you are learning about what there is to see. You are trying to get with that horse's mental system. This is done through feel, because this is what fits a horse.

I watched a 1998 movie "the Horse Whisperer" tonight which illuminates the art and wisdom of horsemanship for me. This movie also explores the subtle relationship between man and animal, mother and child, husband and wife, and man and woman. It has demonstrated many times without diaologues, the power of touch.

This movie is adapted from Nick Evans' novel. A young girl and her horse was left with serious physical and emotional scars after a devastating accident. Her mother took them both to travel to the wild west to seek out a "horse whisperer". A horse whisperer is a horse trainer who adopts a sympathetic view of the motives, needs, and desires of the horse, based on natural horsemanship and modern equine psychology. The story then unfolds the many facets of relationship and the healing process on the ranch.

I love the superb cast: Robert Redford is the horse whisperer and also the director of the film; the young girl was played by then teenage Scarlett Johansson; the mother is Kristin Scott Thomas, whom I consider one of the most captivatiing actresses of our time.

The breathtaking cinematography takes you on a outward journey of the beautiful scenary of Montana. At the same time, its powerful story-telling takes you to an inward journey of self-discovery and healing. You experience emotions like fear, pain, despair, confusion along with the characters. You also cheer with them as they find courage to make choices, and finally finding freedom. It is a poignant film, full of strength and grace.

And now how I want to touch a horse!

Summer's a-comin...

To everything there is a season, and
a time to every purpose under heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

***
Summer's a-comin'...

It is the end of teaching season, concert season, choir season, school season. It is also the beginning of an adventure into new territories.

Most of my students will be travelling. Most of my friends are taking a break from school or work, except one who is back to full-time summer graduate school.

As for me, I won't travel this summer. I plan to go back to school full-time as well; only it is my own private boarding school.

Here is the curriculum of the school:

A. Physical Education

I am so tired of being passive and lethargic. Get off the couch, potato!

1. Conditioning for Dance class
I am going to take a stretch, strengthen and body alignment course for the non-dancer and dancer. It combines techniques from dance, body therapy (e.g. yoga, pilates, and exercise) to improve flexibility, strength, balance, posture, circulation, and relaxation.

2. Swimming
I better take advantage of the community pool. Swimming is also good time for meditation.

3. Hiking.
I have done enough research on the hiking trails in Orange County; Now it is time to face my mountain lion.

4. Biking
First, I need to buy a bike...

5. Beginning Horsemanship

I was born in the year of horse. I love horses. I still think about the two-day horse-back riding and camping trip in Jiuzhaigou, China back in college years. I would love to re-live those memories once again.

I signed up for beginning horsemanship phase one in a Riding School. It includes 3 lessons on ground work (haltering/leading, grooming, tacking up of horse) and 1 lesson on the basics of mounting, dismounting and steering of the horse.

The ranch is only ten minutes away from my home. The owner/instructor has been running that place for thirty-eight years. I am surprised that I live close by for sixteen years and do not even know that it exists, until my student told me about it.

I am so excited for this opportunities and will follow up in my blog later.

B. Academics

1. Art theory
I am taking an art theory class in a community college this summer. I looked up my teacher in ratemyprofessor.com and she got very good review.

2. Piano
I will have to study more in piano performance and literature. I am sending my students to a piano competition in LA this summer. I myself have to prepare for this event as well.

3. Violin
I am still with my teacher, who is so patient and kind and encouraging. There are so much new repertoire to explore.

4. Japanese Language
I found a private tutor who will practice Japanese conversation with me and guide me in reading some Japanese literature. I need to keep it up after two years of language study so it won't go down the drain just in one summer.

5. Reading
There are no end to the books, for knowledge, for inspiration, or for pleasure, that I want to read...

It seems to be a good curriculum. If only I would preservere till Autumn returns...

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

"Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" has always been one of the children's books which I can really relate to. This Judith Viorst's 1972 classic still speaks to children and adults today.

Alexander has one of those dreadful days. He woke up and his hair was a mess. Everything went wrong. School was awkful: His mom forget to pack his dessert; His teacher did not like his drawing of an invisible castle; His best friend called him a third best friend. At home, he had to eat lima beans for supper; and when he went to bed, his cat decided to sleep with his brother instead...

He pondered maybe he should move to Australia...

***

Dear Alexander,

Today I have one of your kind of day.

I planned to enjoy my Monday without school by web surfing and listening to music online. I also tried to clean up my living space as well as the clutters on my computer.

I accidentally deleted some important files and it ceased to function properly. You know how I could not live without my machine. I labored six hours to try to fix it in vain.

Everything in the house went wrong as well. In the evening, I tried to cook myself some soup for dinner. I forgot I left it boiling because my mind was fixated on the computer. The house was almost set on fire. The pot was burnt and there was not a drop of soup to eat.

So at the end of the day, I was alone, exhausted and hungry. The computer was down, the house was a mess. Nothing went as planned: no music, no art, no book, no dinner...

Dear Alexander, indeed we should move to Australia...

Violin and the Chinese Garden

I am going to play a piece in my teacher's violin recital tomorrow. My teacher is excited for my debut of vibrato technique. In preparation of this event, I have been practicing diligently every morning.

I auditioned for my music director friend three days ago. Suddenly nerve came over me. I experienced the movie The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. My brain was detached from my hands. I completely lost control of my bow arm grip and my left hand position shifts.

The audition was a fiasco. The poor man endured three minutes of torture. He didn't understand why and neither did I. Perhaps for a moment I projected all the images of stern teachers and critical audiences on him. Perhaps I was telling myself to fail so I could prove myself right. I just knew my psyche was as messed up as the musical notes.

That evening I practiced no more.

***

Violin is the most difficult instrument I have ever studied. Its technical demand is extremely precise and complicated. To study it as an adult beginner is an especially daunting endeavor. It is frustrating and almost painful to have the mind of an adult musician, but the technical capacity of a beginner.

Then why do I still pursue it?

Have you read Thomas Mann's "Death in Venice"?


***
The study of a string instrument has given me a new perspective on music. it has taught me a lot about tone production and Bel Canto expression. It has also given me new insights to the learning process and the art of practicing. Most importantly, I have discovered more about myself. Becoming a student all over again has helped me find new understanding and more "compassion" to my own students.

Kaitlyn is a gifted seven-year old piano student. During one lesson, after a musical performance, I mentioned that she should go to a competition this summer.

She started crying incessantly. She thought it was a punishment. She said that people would look at her with "evil eyes".

I hugged her and comforted her.

"It is ok not to go. It is perfectly ok..."

Believe me Kaitlyn, I know what you fear. I wanted to cry too.

***

I ran through the music again for my two friends tonight. Nothing was great. But I was back in my elements.

We had our art talk afterwards. My architect friend told me that he was very influenced by I. M. Pei's philosophy on architecture. Pei drew inspiration from the Chinese Gardens of Suzhou at an early age. The Chinese garden architects meticulously designed the garden. But even when after the garden is constructed, they still won't consider it a final product. They will leave it to nature. They believe that only nature will complete the perfection of the garden.

***
I am going to play for my violin recital tomorrow. I will just try my best for the moment, drawing from all the preparation I have invested. The final product will be far from perfection. It is ok. Let time, and nature run its course.

P.S.
This is a very moving and beautiful performance of the Gluck melody which I attempt. This young lady suffered from hand injury and had to quit playing the violin for many years. This is her comeback performance at an invitational concert. She has truely become my muse.

Joshua Bell

I heard Joshua Bell in Orange County Performance Art Center last night.
I often listen to his music, first thing in the morning, with my coffee, butter and toast.
He played the beloved Mendelssohn's violin concerto with his own cadenza, and an encore of a Yankee Doodle "fantasy"
What a socerer with a magic wand! Who isn't mesmerized by his technique, musicality and passion? Who can resist following him into his enchanting sound world?

******
A Violinist in the Metro

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousand of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats average $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people.

The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

(article contributed by Bill B., Dec. 17, 2008)

You can hear this performance on youtube. Just search Joshua Bell and metro.

mi-meh-mah-moh-moooo

I always love singing. I think it is the foundation of musical expression. Often I try to create the illusion of Bel Canto (Italian for beautiful singing) on the piano. I love Chopin's music because it is poetry on the piano with the expressiveness of opera. I adore the violin because it imitates the human voice.

With the excitement of a child, but the self-consciousness of an adult, I started my first voice lesson.

At first I was moving around restlessly. I was making my teacher dizzy. If he could hand-cuff me and put a chain on my feet, he would. Anyway, he ordered me to rest my hands on the piano.

mi-meh-mah-moh-moooo...

It is awkward to hear your own voice when you are fully aware of it.

My teacher explained to me that it is normal for people to feel uncomfortable hearing their own voice, because we simply don't perceive our voice the way other people do. He assured me that it was ok and told me to stop over-analyzing and stop the self-criticism.

e-e-e-e-e, e-e-e-e-e, e-e-e-e-e...

I guess it is not as bad as I thought.

mi-moh-mi, mi-moh-mi, mi-moh-mi...

My teacher asked me to imagine a singer I love. and not to worry about singing the right pitch.

He said it is Audiation. Audiation is the process of mentally hearing and comprehending music, even when no physical sound is present. It is a cognitive process by which the brain gives meaning to musical sounds. In essence, audiation of music is analogous to thinking in a language.

sol-fa-mi-re-doh...

I am thinking of Barbara Bonnie...

Then it is time for breathing exercises. He taught me how to breath through the mouth as if I am fogging the mirror, but with no noise from the larynx.

inhale-exhale...inhale-exhale..inhale-exhale...

It is sort of like a yoga breathing meditation. There is complete silence...except for my growling stomach.

Finally, I am loosen up.

Now he let me sing my favorite song. I jumped on it and sang my heart out.

***

I left feeling hopeful, giving him a wink.

He is a genius, better than a shrink.

A teacher's look

5pm May 1
In my own students' "piano graduation ceremony" hosted by the music teachers in this area, every student was introduced by their own writing. They had to answer a couple questions, including:
1. What are you interested in studying after graduation?
2. What was the biggest influence in your music study?

One student answered:
1. Not studying
2. My teacher's wrath

***
I always think I am a pretty good student. I always do my homework and seldom ditch classes. Recently however, especially after my trip, it is hard to find motivation to do anything, let alone writing a final project in Japanese.

7:40pm May 10
I showed up in class tonight without my project. I even walked in ten minutes late because I went to eat Pho.

My teacher said to me, "C san, everyone already draw a number for the presentation. Now you will be last."

"I did not do it..." I told her.

Then it was this look on her face, somewhat between puzzled and disbelief, hard to describe.

Oh, I forgot how polite Japanese are. so I hurried and added, "Gomenasai" (I am sorry).

"You did not do it?" she asked, with a slow, subdued voice.

I wish I could come up with an excuse. But looking at the expression on her face, I suddenly found myself speechless.

"No. gomenasai!"

"Do you know it is 10 percent of your grade?"

"hai, I do."

"So you are taking this class credit or no credit?"

"Hmm...no...but...I don't have time...I don't care for my grade..." I mumbled.

"You did not do it?" she asked a second time.

I shaked my head.

Then there was silence. She did not say anything more, nor asked me why, nor asked me to make it up.

Just that look on her face.

***
All my Japanese teachers are excellent teachers. They have utmost respect for their profession-sensei. They are extremely hard working and responsible. I have been studying with Matsuda sensei for a year now. There are not a lecture that was not well-prepared and not a homework assignment that was not corrected and returned.

This is the final week. I stayed in class tonight listening to everyone's presentation....

10:30pm, May 10
I returned home. Without eating my usual late night snack, without changing into pajamas, I turned on my computer and started typing.


2am, May 11
My room looked like it was just hit by a tornado of paper, notes and books.

I just sent my teacher an email.

"Matsuda sensei,
Gomenasai, I have done a simple report on ths topic. I have attached a draft for your reference. I am wondering whether I can still do my presentation this Wednesday?..."

I discovered something new about myself this morning:
1. Laziness is my human nature.
2. Sometimes a teacher's look is the biggest motivator.

An Education

I watched "An Education" on DVD tonight. First time I watched it on the airplane. I was already captivated by the film. During this second time, I got to savor every word of the script. The special features of the DVD are very helpful in understanding and appreciating the crafts of this film.

The movie is about a bright young school girl in the 60's London who encountered an older man, introducing her to the glamorous world of adulthood. It was her memoir of a coming-of-age journey.

This film directed by Lone Sherifig is so far the best film I have watched this year. To me it is British movie at its best. I love the accents and the Bristish dry humor. The script is written by Nick Hornby who also wrote "about a boy"(another very good movie). His writing is charming and witty.

There are sensitivity and attention to details in every aspect of the film. For example, the beautiful cinematography of the Paris montage are without words but it visually captures the emotions of the entire adventure. Also, I love the film score at the opening scene. They use light-hearted 60's swings, which really sets the nostalgic mood for that era.

The entire acting ensemble is brilliant. I adore the lead actress Carey Mulligan, who is such a natural talent. I have no doubt that she is going to have an amazing acting career. You can literally watch her mature on screen as she goes through her "education".

This is movie magic. It takes you on an emotional journey. I too, came to an awakening along with her:
"I feel older, but not wiser"

What education can bring us out of our fragility and innocence?

elopement 私奔

A postcard came in the mail. My friends have eloped and are living in marital bliss, drinking on love alone somewhere.

I looked up the dictionary: To elope, most literally, merely means to run away, and to not come back to the point of origination. More specifically, elopement is often used to refer to a marriage conducted in sudden and secretive fashion, usually involving hurried flight away from one's place of residence together with one's beloved with the intention of getting married.

***
Since I came back from my adventure in a tale of three cities, life is back to normal. I have found no motivation in anything. There are no inspiration in writing.

I still admire the food pictures I took on the trip, while eating my instant noodles.

Reality is not glamorous. It is doing the same thing day in and day out. It is routine. I pick up the violin that I have not touched for over two weeks. He sure complains that he has been neglected.

Students start to return one by one. There are a thousand musical notes waiting to be mastered; A pile of books waiting to be read; weekly choir rehearsals to attend. I also feel the fatigue of the twice a week five-hour Japanese classes.

***
In the book "Deep Well from the Water" by Gerald Sittser, there is a chapter called "rhythm: the spirituality of monasticism". He wrote,

"One of the greatest temptations we face once we settle into a routine of prayer and work is, as Evagrius pointed out to monks sixteen hundred years ago, acedia,a greek word that does not translate easily... Acedia is better defined as boredom, restlessness, inattentiveness...Known as the "noonday demon" in monasteries, acedia tempts us to quit at midcourse, just when we have followed a routine of prayer and work long enough to be weary of the sameness and tediousness."

"Routine is necessary. Mastery comes from persisting in some endeavor when everything in us wants to quit."

So let the battle with acedia begin...

Although for a moment sometimes, I still lose my thoughts in elopement.

A tale of three cities- Judgement day

I was not planning to write a blog on my picture day because I was exhausted. But then I read the comments of all my friends on the April 10 blog entry. I knew I have to repay your kindness, and ahem, curiosity...

I DID IT!!!

Out of gratitude to my sister-in-law, my obedience to my parents-in-law, and my inability to seek my own redemption.

I dedicate my courageous deeds to those who sent me your comments, wisdom, strategies, laughs, well wishes, and sympathy...

I would love to amuse you all with some pictures. But no photos were allowed in the studio, and also mountain lion's real fear is the photos will fall in the hands of the villains and she will be blackmailed.

***
Sophie's choice

I HAD to choose a white wedding gown and an evening gown.

I asked the "stylist" to bring me the simplest one. She suggested, to take good picture, we need layers to add texture and depth.

So she brought me one that immediately reminded me of a multiple-layer buttercream wedding cake, with extra frosting.

I decided to choose for myself and tried another one who looked like the blinds of the window. It was not pretty but at least it reminded me of something less complicated.

Where did all the beautiful wedding gowns which I saw in magazines go ?

Finally I settled on a plain strapless one which was as good as it got, even though there was still a long "tail" and a need to wear a bulky girdle.

As for the evening gown, I found one burgundy strapless dress with only some pleats in front and a bow in the back. The gown was so tight that it was squeezing my lungs. But it was the only one I could imagine myself in.

While I was sleeping in Taipei, the gowns were quietly being altered.

Studio Picture day

There was a thing called "comfort food". I ate a big bowl of pork chop noodle soup and a big plate of samplers of appetizers for lunch. It was not going to be good for fitting in the gowns.

So I drank tons of "sour plum soup" to help diggestion...

***

When we arrived, the "makeup artist" first worked on my mother-in-law, I am the youngest of the family, hence the lowest in "rank". I knew I had to wait.

"What are you going to wear for the casual portraits?" they asked me while I was waiting for my turn.

"I thought we are going to wear the gowns" I was shocked, as usual.

"No, we are going to wear gowns AND the third one our own choices of casual clothes"

I must have missed some former conversations in Taiwanese, which I don't speak. I was in jeans and a shirt that looked somewhat like a pajama for ultimate comfort. It would not work.

"Why don't you go across the street to buy a dress?" my mother-in-law suggested.

I looked out the window. No good. Across the street was a food market.

"Well, there are some clothes stalls next to the vegetable stalls." She said matter-of-factly.

My sister-in-law escorted me.

I only had 10 minutes to choose my costume. And the choices were, believe me, really pathetic.

I scanned for black anything like a terminator. I found a black shirt. Black covers a multitude of sin. I insisted on keeping my jeans since they said casual.

Back in the studio, choosing jewelry is another big dilemma. I chose by one principle: elimination.

There I go, false eye lashes and curly hair extension like those of miss piggy...

***

Gosh, the poses were so tricky, more so than yoga. There were Godfather pose, gangster pose, princess pose, falling-in-love pose, gazing-at-moon pose......

Honestly, when it was not my turn, it was entertaining to watch other people's pictures being taken. I actually had a good time observing the photographer at work. We all had good laughs. We were in the studio for the whole afternoon, a total of 140
pictures.

The package was to choose 20 out of the pictures taken to put into a photo album with 4 to be enlarged to posters.

The method was: elimination. My brother-in-law controled the delete button on the computer.

The rule was: there were seven of us, if only one person disliked any picture, he or she could "veto" it.

When it came to my pictures,
"delete, delete, delete...." I said them like a broken record.

"But you will have no picture left!" he said.

Finally, they voted that I have no right to veto.

The verdict was: they decided to purchase 50 pictures, 30 more than intended as a file, including some featured me.

At last, I offered to donate my right of enlarging one of my photos.

"It is Ba and Ma's wedding anniversary. They had so many good pictures. They should enlarge an extra one." I played good daughter-in-law. (strategy courtesy of Ah Man).

The comfort was, my offer was accepted.

***

"I have to live for others and not for myself: that's middle-class morality."
cw quoting George Bernard Shaw.

"What then do we live for, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn. "
lamina o'oz quoting Mr. Bennett, Pride and Prejudice

A tale of three cities -Taipei, east and west, old and new

We stayed in two completely different hotels in Taipei. Tsubaki Japanese hotspring Ryokan (inn) and French boutique Hotel Eclat.
My sister-in-law used to be a local of Taipei. She was so thoughtful in planning our excursion, she wanted us to experience two polars of the city -east and west, old and new.

Tsubaki Japanese Inn
The inn is built on a valley between the mountains. It has Kyoto-style buildings and gardens. The highlight of the inn is the hotspring soak in the guest room, with the view of the mountain and streams. You feel one with nature.
We have Japanese 懷石料理 for dinner at the inn. Ironically, 懷石 was named after the ascetic practice of a zen monk, embracing a hot stone to sooth a hungry stomach. 懷石料理 used to refer to a very simple temple meal. It is now an elaborate and refined multi-course meal, with a high standard of the quality of food and its artistic presentation.

Hotel Eclat
When I entered the hotel, I immediately saw two big bronze sculptures. On the label, it reads Salvador Dali. The hotel staff told me that they are authentic. They are worth fifty million Taiwan dollars. (1.7 million US$)
The hotel is only two years old. The amenities are so modern. Almost everything is motion-sensitive. There is meticulous attention to details. You can even turn the bathroom walls transparent!

Taipei 101 Building
We had dinner at a restaurant on the 85th floor in the tallest building in Taiwai, Taipei 101. It was the tallest building in the world, until 2008 when Buri Dubai was opened. The meal was great. The panoramic view of Taipei was the main course.

A tale of three cities, Taipei excursion

National Palace Museum
We took an excursion to Taipei city, the first stop is the National Palace Museum.
It holds one of the largest collections of Chinese arts in the world. For thousands of years, Chinese craftsmen and artists created many exquisite objects and were collected by the emperors to demonstrate their power and wealth. The history of the museum itself is a reminder of contemporary Chinese history, tracing back to the nationalist revolution overthrowing the Ching monarchy, and leading to the formal departure of the last emperor from the Forbidden City in 1924.

Walking through the art works of the many different dynasties, I was able to find a renewed understanding and appreciation of my root. These objects help to define thousand years of Chinese civilization. I was reminded of all the Chinese literature and history classes in high school. They suddenly came alive.

For someone like me who was born in a colony and spent half of my life in a foreign country, this experience is very special. It is as if an adopted child has a face to face encounter with his birth parents. You know you have a close bond, and yet you feel distant at the same time....

A tale of three cities -Nantou, day one

Taiwan is only two hours away by air from Hong Kong. But as soon as I landed, I knew I was in another country. Every country has its own culture and every family, its own subculture...

Elevator in the House
My in-law's new home is in Nantou city. It is a nicely built, four-story house. They hired an interior designer and she did a really fine job. One can see the designer's touch everywhere in the house. There is even an elevator inside. I told them I would take the stairs to get more exercises. The fact is, I heard that my mother-in-law was once trapped in that elevator for twenty minutes!


Appetizer for Breakfast
My brother-in-law had an argument with my father-in-law before breakfast. It is this family's usual appetizer.

Everyone HAS to eat a huge apple first for detox purpose. My stomach was filled up by the apple. There is only enough room left for an egg, and coffee. I really miss Hong Kong breakfast, especially milk tea, congee and "fried double"...


Wedding Gowns
My sister-in-law showed us the itinerary for the week-long celebration of my parents-in-law's 50th wedding anniversary. There is one program: "trying out wedding gowns". I asked her about it.

"We are going to pick out our favorite wedding gowns and we are going to have our pictures taken in a professional studio a couple days later" She answered.
"What? we?" I was shocked.
"Yes, to make them less self-conscious, we are going to take wedding pictures again along with them."
I almost had a heart attack. It has to be a joke.
"I don't want to wear a wedding gown! I will bring my own clothes, Please!" I begged her.
My sister-in-law was irritated,
"It is up to you. However, I have to bargain with the portrait studio to pay a good fee to do this. It is a real privilege for you."

***
I rushed to my luggage to dig out my new club Monaco dress and put it on...
Oh no! since I already gained five pounds in Hong Kong, it doesn't fit well anymore.

I am going to have nightmares of a makeover monster in a wedding gown, resembling myself, attacking me...
Now I have to find an alternative plan to get out.

This week is going to be comical!

A tale of three cities -Hong Kong, Heidi

Heidi, Girl of the Alps (アルプスの少女ハイジ, Arupusu no Shōjo Haiji?) is a 1974 anime series by Zuiyo Enterprises based on the Swiss novel "Heidi's Years of Wandering and Learning" by Johanna Spyri (1880).

I watched this animation when I was young. Heidi has always been an imaginary childhood friend. I finally found these DVD. The story is so wholesome. It is about the simple pleasures of childhood, the love of nature, and the miracle of friendship and healing.

It is a story I would love to watch again and again.

A tale of three cities-Hong Kong, Ching Ming

A Stone for a Tombstone

The day after resurrection Sunday this year happens to be Ching Ming, the day in the Chinese calendar to pay respect to ancestors.

My family and my uncle and aunt went to Pok Fu Lum cemetary together. We hiked up and down the hill to bring flowers to my grandparents and my mother.

Cemetaries in America are peaceful. A Chinese graveyard is not the same. The erect tombstones with the pictures of the deceased make it eerie. The gloomy weather during Ching Ming season adds to its mystery.

It reminds me of a haunting Chinese poem I learned in high school:
"Who knows who is a sage or a fool in a thousand years.
In front of you they are all buried on the same hill"

On the way back, we talked about how we wanted to be buried. We all preferred cremation and had the ashes returned to the ocean or the earth.

A friend has told me, she heard of using high temperature to turn the remaining elements of a human body into a precious stone.

I know this is what I want: closed casket, then turn the body into a precious stone.