Violin and the Chinese Garden

I am going to play a piece in my teacher's violin recital tomorrow. My teacher is excited for my debut of vibrato technique. In preparation of this event, I have been practicing diligently every morning.

I auditioned for my music director friend three days ago. Suddenly nerve came over me. I experienced the movie The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. My brain was detached from my hands. I completely lost control of my bow arm grip and my left hand position shifts.

The audition was a fiasco. The poor man endured three minutes of torture. He didn't understand why and neither did I. Perhaps for a moment I projected all the images of stern teachers and critical audiences on him. Perhaps I was telling myself to fail so I could prove myself right. I just knew my psyche was as messed up as the musical notes.

That evening I practiced no more.

***

Violin is the most difficult instrument I have ever studied. Its technical demand is extremely precise and complicated. To study it as an adult beginner is an especially daunting endeavor. It is frustrating and almost painful to have the mind of an adult musician, but the technical capacity of a beginner.

Then why do I still pursue it?

Have you read Thomas Mann's "Death in Venice"?


***
The study of a string instrument has given me a new perspective on music. it has taught me a lot about tone production and Bel Canto expression. It has also given me new insights to the learning process and the art of practicing. Most importantly, I have discovered more about myself. Becoming a student all over again has helped me find new understanding and more "compassion" to my own students.

Kaitlyn is a gifted seven-year old piano student. During one lesson, after a musical performance, I mentioned that she should go to a competition this summer.

She started crying incessantly. She thought it was a punishment. She said that people would look at her with "evil eyes".

I hugged her and comforted her.

"It is ok not to go. It is perfectly ok..."

Believe me Kaitlyn, I know what you fear. I wanted to cry too.

***

I ran through the music again for my two friends tonight. Nothing was great. But I was back in my elements.

We had our art talk afterwards. My architect friend told me that he was very influenced by I. M. Pei's philosophy on architecture. Pei drew inspiration from the Chinese Gardens of Suzhou at an early age. The Chinese garden architects meticulously designed the garden. But even when after the garden is constructed, they still won't consider it a final product. They will leave it to nature. They believe that only nature will complete the perfection of the garden.

***
I am going to play for my violin recital tomorrow. I will just try my best for the moment, drawing from all the preparation I have invested. The final product will be far from perfection. It is ok. Let time, and nature run its course.

P.S.
This is a very moving and beautiful performance of the Gluck melody which I attempt. This young lady suffered from hand injury and had to quit playing the violin for many years. This is her comeback performance at an invitational concert. She has truely become my muse.